I used to think I was defective. Moving past that was critical for me to learn to have a life I could enjoy. During the early part of my life, I assumed I was fine, and the world was messed up. Fortunately, I got hints from events and people with the courage to give me some honest feedback my viewpoint was not entirely accurate. I eventually realized I was the problem with my life. This led me into addiction recovery and as I started to work the program, I was able to really see the harm I was causing myself and others. As I started really looking at this, I really started to feel broken and defective, and my self-esteem fell off a cliff.
Fortunately, I kept working the program and working it with others. Realizing I was not alone in my defectiveness gave me a little bit of relief. Working with the more senior people in the program who seemed much happier gave me some hope. Looking into my past I was able to see some abusive things had happened I was not ready for. Due to my immaturity and lack of emotional training there was even some normal things that happened I was not ready for. I slowly started to realize perhaps I was not defective, but instead I was broken. As I continued doing the work I eventually came to see, not only was I not broken, but I was wounded!
This was a huge relief and a major turning point in my life. Viewing my self as defective was completely hopeless. Moving up to broken still left me with plenty of humiliation on a good day, and total self-disgust on a bad day. Woundedness on the other hand makes room for self-esteem and even better, offers the hope of change through healing. Healing also feels a lot better than fixing. This allowed me to begin letting go of some self-hate and making room for compassion. Since I was often acting like jerk with my addiction, and mostly buried my pain except for some occasional explosive anger, no one was offering me any compassion. Since I thought I was dysfunctional and broken, I did not feel like I deserved any. The mindset of woundedness allowed me to open to the idea of cutting myself some slack and giving myself some compassion. I learned to view the wounded part of me like a wounded child and instead of abandoning that part of me and hating it, I slowly learned to start loving and accepting that part me.
Changing my mindset from fixing myself to healing my-self allowed for less depression and more energy. Continuing to work my addiction program, getting therapy, and working other programs allowed me to start to change my behavior. I was able to improve my life and eventually my entire world in which I lived. Even today, I try to remember this and instead of wasting my energy beating myself up, using my energy for healing, growth, and self-transformation. Lastly, I have since learned everyone has some woundedness, it is what makes all human and special. How are you special?
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